2. Building Connections - Let's Be Real
- emmanueltog
- Sep 1
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 21
"It's been three weeks at your new school, college, or job. Everyone else seems to have instant friend groups while you're still eating lunch alone or making awkward small talk. Why does building connections feel so much harder than it looks on social media?" - tufff one
🧠 The Science of Connection:
Your brain treats social rejection like physical pain - that's why being left out hurts so much. But here's what no one tells you: research shows you need 7-10 meaningful interactions with someone before friendship feels natural. Most people give up after 2-3.
Four things that make belonging happen:
Skills: Can you start conversations, listen well, handle disagreements?
Opportunities: Are you in places where real conversations can happen?
Clarity: What do you actually want - fun friends, study buddies, deep connections?
Perspective: Is that quiet person unfriendly, or maybe just shy like you?
Why stress makes it harder: When you're anxious about fitting in, your brain interprets neutral things as rejection. Someone not texting back immediately becomes "proof" they don't like you. Someone looking at their phone during conversation becomes evidence you're boring.
The friend groups that look effortless on Instagram? They started with awkward conversations in dining halls and one person being brave enough to say "Want to sit together?"
❤️ The Reality Behind the Highlight Reel:
Real student experiences:
Week 4 - Sam: "I sit in the same spot in the canteen every day, hoping someone will invite me over. No one does. I started eating in my room because it felt less embarrassing."
Week 12 - Sam: "I was reading during lunch when someone asked about my book. We talked for an hour about everything. Turns out she'd been eating alone too, just at different tables."
Week 6 - Jordan: "My flatmate always has friends over and I just disappear to the library. I feel invisible in my own flat."
Week 10 - Jordan: "I finally asked if I could join when her friends came over. She said 'I thought you didn't want to - you always leave!' I was protecting myself from rejection that wasn't even there."
The shift happens when you stop trying to join existing groups and start connecting with individuals. Most people are friendlier than they appear - they're just waiting for someone else to make the first move.
🙌 Connection Builder Challenge
The "One Plus One" Strategy: Focus on individual connections, not group joining:
Ask someone to be study partners
Invite someone for coffee after class
Suggest exploring your new area with another newcomer
Sit next to the quiet person and make conversation
The Three-Thing Rule: In every new conversation, find three things you have in common. Same hometown? Similar subjects? Shared confusion about something? Connections grow from commonalities.
Inclusion Power Move: Each week, notice someone who seems left out and include them. Invite the person eating alone to your table. Ask the quiet classmate to join your study session. This builds community for everyone, including you.
Conversation Starters That Work:
"How are you finding [class/subject/new place]?"
"Want to study together for the [test/assignment]?"
"I'm still figuring out [campus/area] - want to explore together?"
Checkpoint:
Are you spending more energy trying to join existing groups or creating new connections?
Let the People Know in the comments:
"Describe one genuine conversation you had this week. What made it feel different from small talk?"
References
Social Rejection and Brain Pain:
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290-292. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1089134
Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E., & Wager, T. D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 108(15), 6270-6275.
Eisenberger, N. I. (2012). The neural bases of social pain: Evidence for shared representations with physical pain. Psychosomatic Medicine, 74(2), 126-135.
Friendship Formation Research:
Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278-1296. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518761225
Hays, R. B. (1984). The development and maintenance of friendship. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 1(1), 75-98.
Face-to-Face Interaction Benefits:
Teo, A. R., et al. (2015). Does mode of contact with different types of social relationships predict depression in older adults? Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, 63(10), 2014-2022.
Harvard Kennedy School Leadership & Happiness Laboratory (2025). The Friendship Recession: The Lost Art of Connecting. Retrieved from https://www.happiness.hks.harvard.edu
Adolescent Online and Offline Friendships:
Al-Jbouri, E., Volk, A. A., Spadafora, N., & Andrews, N. C. Z. (2024). Friends, followers, peers, and posts: adolescents' in-person and online friendship networks. Frontiers in Developmental Psychology, 2, 1419756.
Valkenburg, P. M., & Peter, J. (2007). Preadolescents' and adolescents' online communication and their closeness to friends. Developmental Psychology, 43(2), 267-277.
Friendship Chemistry:
Campbell, K., Holderness, N., & Riggs, M. (2015). Friendship chemistry: An examination of underlying factors. The Journal of Social Psychology, 155(3), 239-251.
